Redacted

My eyes don't hide this side of me too vulnerable, it shows. By carefulness I digress... I don't want to let you know.

I really would like to not dream about work tonight. ~ I still can't quite believe this is happening, but then I know God has bigger plans than I.  Perhaps this is His way of bringing me back down to size - nothing without Him. ~ I quite often do stupid things.  I've done a lot of them lately.  I really wish this wasn't one of them. ~ I love shopping when I have time, luck and money. :) ~ Maybe tonight I won't grope for the light and turn it on heart pounding panicked afraid. Sleep with it on. again. Maybe tonight won't be the same. ~ I don't want for anything how frightening.

A barrier. I don't think either of us would deny it exists. No matter how much I'd like to break it, you'll have to be the one to make it shatter. That is, if you want it gone. I've made too many mistakes I can't see how it can be undone.

words on paper i can't find the meaning in them. maybe it's more that i don't know anymore what to say or think or anything other than to just be still and watch without thinking. there are a lot of things listed in the making. true. but none as exciting as it seems. complete. satisfying. I couldn't tell you if that's what is happening I imagine tiny rooms behind whose doors great machines whir and click and tap out information the sound overwhelming if one is opened. But here, in the center, the mind is calm, muffled, almost numb. I sit in the carpeted hallway. The walls brown. doors closed against the sounds. One will open when I need something. Warm. Sun streams down.  My back captures the beam throwing my shadow against the floor in sharp relief. Dust motes fall. Don't stir.  Breathe. Sit quietly. Don't think. That's the way. Calm.  The waters are calm as the sun sinks. fade

I have been afraid of dying from being bitten with every purchase of new puffy stuffed things (pillows, coats, etc) ever since reading an article a few years back.  The article told about a child who was being made to try on new winter coats and he kept screaming and crying. He then died shortly thereafter.  They finally figured out that a snake inside the lining of the new coat woke up and bit him repeatedly while he was being forced to try it on.  Freaks me out every time.  Now I am going to go put my head on my new pillows. If something moves I'm out of here!

It slightly freaks me out that my laptop recognizes a second username is available but not signed in...one I've never used or heard of at least in this setting.  I'm sure there is a perfectly logical explanation that one of you brilliant geniuses could give to me, but for right now I'm ignoring it and I'm perfectly happy. ~