Redacted

Reading through old files and ran across these old beauties this evening.  I like the sense and emotion of them.  Thankful for true strokes of inspiration occasionally.

Deep inside all of us is that nervously insecure twelve year old who's still scared of being laughed at for all the wrong reasons.

The last two days feels like four.

I think we may have trouble over here. Sigh. I didn't even want him to go away for a visit today.  Bigger sigh. How am I going to make it? . and yet I know fact and fiction do not always Collide as in this world we may have wished them to once more

This little guy is sweet and adorable. :) Having him here makes me happy.

Packing for an overnight business trip is way harder than it should be at this point in the morning.  I'm not even carrying anything business related except myself. Hmm

Sometimes I wonder if there is too much honesty going on or if the perspective is still so skewed?

How can you ever be certain if no one ever speaks plainly of what is over what isn't? . Yesterday I set off the security alarm on the way out of a store.  Makes you feel awkward even if you aren't guilty. . The mouse isn't so cute this evening. . I think there is a thing living in the attic. I heard something and now I can't relax for listening so intently. . How long does an offer like that last anyway? Forever?  I could use a promise like that. . The mind is a beautifully frustrating thing. . The kids in my youth group have very active imaginations regarding my supposed love life. If they only knew the truth. . My kids are a blessing. One of them thanked God I was their Mom tonight. The other one is still holding back. We'll get there. God willing. . Because it would forever change things, that's why we go on as if it doesn't exist, tiptoe around the elephant everyone's always taking sides on with their ideals of what's right and what isn't. .

It is hard to relax when you are afraid your kids might stress people out.

When that little baby snuggles up to me it breaks my heart that I have to let him go.

Is there any way to make a mind close a door willingly on certain memories? I wonder, how many would want to remove memories if it could be done easily? How would it reshape everything around and in us if we could?

Implacable.

Help. Love. God.

Deciding to turn down a "name your price" job offer was both easier and harder than expected. . God's ways are better than mine! . 3?! I may end up with 3?! Wow. Cool. :) . Seriously waiting for God's timing is not all that hard when you know His will is always best in every way.

Today I think I have decided to hate life and everything (and everyone) in it. . I am not happy. . I realize posting this makes me sound like a three year old throwing a tantrum. . Sigh. Looking in, this looks easy.  The answers obvious, and the way very clear. Living it hourly, and fighting it always, doesn't make me a happy camper. Having people criticize without knowing doesn't make it easier. It makes me angry and hateful and not full of grace or a sign of Jesus anywhere. That's not lovely.  That's not right.  And it certainly isn't holy. It makes me want to give up everything and go away. really and truthfully. always. and it makes me feel hateful toward them.   ALL of them. . maybe I should go to bed and pray.

... sat in a room with a bunch of people all connected through bad decision making, and was told it was unusual that we all got along and liked each other and worked together.  I just assumed that was how it was supposed to be!  LOL.  I am too surprised at humanity it seems. . ... watched as a woman declared her intentions to voluntarily walk away from the best things she has ever accomplished, and will ever help create.  I feel nothing but sorrow and pity for her, and for what she could have been, if only.  And therein the phrase, "there but for the grace of God, go I" becomes even more of a reality.  OH! How different my life could have been! . ... am in some ways scared that the future holds BIG things that I can't hold, yet Knowing God is in control. . ...realize that I may have to fight for what God wants to give me, because even the Israelites had to fight to conquer the Promised Land. . ...held up my pants with a safety pin. . ...talked. and talked. ...

How did I used to do this tax stuff for weeks on end?

I've never loved and hated someone so much at the same time as I do someone who refuses to curb their own appetites for things.

http://www.johnortberg.com/one-flourishing-life/ I miss that guy too,” I told her. “I’d love to feel free like that. But I feel like I’m carrying so many burdens. I have personnel issues and financial challenges at work. I have writing projects and travel commitments. I feel like I’m carrying this weight all the time. I get what you’re saying, but I need you to know, I’m doing the best I can.” “No, you’re not,” she responded immediately. That was not the response I had anticipated. Everybody is supposed to nod their head sympathetically when you say, “I’m doing the best I can.” But Nancy loves truth (and me) too much to do that. So she rang my bell. “No, you’re not . You’ve talked about how it would be good to see a counselor, or an executive coach, or maybe a spiritual director. You’ve talked about building friendships, but I haven’t seen you take steps toward any of that. No, you’re not.” As soon as she said that I knew she was right

Too many tells. Not enough insight.