Redacted

Today I think I have decided to hate life and everything (and everyone) in it. . I am not happy. . I realize posting this makes me sound like a three year old throwing a tantrum. . Sigh. Looking in, this looks easy.  The answers obvious, and the way very clear. Living it hourly, and fighting it always, doesn't make me a happy camper. Having people criticize without knowing doesn't make it easier. It makes me angry and hateful and not full of grace or a sign of Jesus anywhere. That's not lovely.  That's not right.  And it certainly isn't holy. It makes me want to give up everything and go away. really and truthfully. always. and it makes me feel hateful toward them.   ALL of them. . maybe I should go to bed and pray.

Ever had someone say in a whole room of people that they told someone not to come to the ministry you are leading because they would not like it? I have.  Several times. This one hurt worse because of how and who. I'm still trying to forgive. Maybe I'm small. Maybe I am. But it makes me feel angry and bitter and frustrated and angry and hateful and all of those unholy things. Sigh. And that's mean and small and pitiful.  In more than one way. . I'm glad God understands.

How do you treat someone who has no grace for other people but expects it from everyone else?  It is a quandary that has long puzzled me. . What do you do when fear, anger or frustration stops you from unconditional acceptance and begins judging? . Can you accept others if you do not have a base of acceptance to fall back upon? . Is it possible to be loved?  To be loving? . In my experience it isn't enough to have head knowledge that God loves you, you must also have the human representation that you are loved and accepted as you are by at least one person, hopefully more. . You gain confidence by loving and being loved in return.  Consistently. . What if everything you say is taken to mean something personally demeaning?  What turns a person into someone in whom paranoia reigns?  I worked with some of these individuals until just recently.  It was unnerving to say the least.  It was downright despicable and immoral at the most.  Wrong is wrong is...

I have started the process of moving my personal effects out of my office. I'm not quitting yet, I just want to be ready in the event that it does happen sooner rather than later. Although, a wise person once told me that I should  HALT: Never make decisions when HUNGRY, ANGRY, LONELY, or TIRED. SOUND ADVICE. So I went and bought myself a mocha frappuccino. :) Pride is a terrible thing.

I can no longer do my job. It is frustrating.  This is driving me crazy.