Redacted

That is all.

I am afraid tomorrow will be dreadful.

Guess I'll go sleep now.

I found an old journal today and read through it again.   "To shake you. Yes. That describes it exactly.  I want to rattle you so you aren't so secure in your solidarity.  So that you want to come out and face reality. I want you to play. I want you to be happy. Even if I have to let you go, I want to open the door in your soul so you don't take it all so seriously. Life is for living. Right now you are hiding. Running. Avoiding. There's life out here. Come play." ?what in the world was I thinking? I wish I knew exactly who I was talking to back then.

Nine new fuzzy kittens down by the shed. We had fun trying to catch them.

Some days I don't mind the ogling* so much, some days I do. I think today I do. *ogling in this case is usually accompanied by random sounds of appreciation, subtly uncomfortable laughter, and other random acts which I don't need to spell out specifically.

I drove from 230 to after 6 today with little odd breaks along the way. . I am tired. . It's been a weekend.

Was a marathon that ended with lights flashing and lots of money spent. I give up.

I think every part of me hurts today. I'm just glad it isn't totally debilitating. That is all.

Sometime in the night last night I woke up just enough to realize I was hurting and that I should move.  It hurt a lot to move. Like all my muscles had atrophied and needed to break from that hideous concrete shell casing dust cracking and crumbling and falling away as I moved. Like a gargoyle come to life only to lay flat out and fall back asleep again. . Someone stole my cc number today and charged crazy things. . I was a cranky lady. . I attended a drink mixing party with a pregnant lady.

I wish I knew what it took, what would make the difference, because I would do that thing. . You'll have to be stronger than all of the voices telling me No. . It seems odd to want something that will make your life so much harder. But I still do. .

This was the word of the weekend. Don't know why.  Repeatedly reverberating through the brain. It's sort of fun to say.

I suffer from an embarrassment of technology gadgets.  That's pretty shameful in some ways. Reminds me of this... Look at this stuff Isn't it neat? Wouldn't you think my collection's complete? Wouldn't you think I'm the girl The girl who has everything? Look at this trove Treasures untold How many wonders can one cavern hold? Looking around here you think Sure, she's got everything I've got gadgets and gizmos a-plenty I've got whozits and whatzits galore You want thingamabobs? I've got twenty! But who cares? No big deal I want more

Being sick for two weekends in a row makes stuff pile up at home. . My child. Reading carefully is a thing only accomplished when people are watching.  Grrr. And because of this he is far from passing. He likes to succeed. Praying he quickly learns he can successfully complete things without constant supervision. . I am glad days have endings.

Either the flu or I have long lasting migraines. So thankful to be pretty much back to feeling normal again.

How can you ever be certain if no one ever speaks plainly of what is over what isn't? . Yesterday I set off the security alarm on the way out of a store.  Makes you feel awkward even if you aren't guilty. . The mouse isn't so cute this evening. . I think there is a thing living in the attic. I heard something and now I can't relax for listening so intently. . How long does an offer like that last anyway? Forever?  I could use a promise like that. . The mind is a beautifully frustrating thing. . The kids in my youth group have very active imaginations regarding my supposed love life. If they only knew the truth. . My kids are a blessing. One of them thanked God I was their Mom tonight. The other one is still holding back. We'll get there. God willing. . Because it would forever change things, that's why we go on as if it doesn't exist, tiptoe around the elephant everyone's always taking sides on with their ideals of what's right and what isn't. .

It is hard to relax when you are afraid your kids might stress people out.

In more ways than one

What I can't decide is whether it was to protect or prevent, and even then it boggles the mind to decide who or why.  Flattery or offense? :) things my mind ponders on late nights . On the other hand, I must learn to not make eye contact with strange men.  Wandering eyes make me uncomfortable.  This is true not just because of the whole cheating thing, but as they don't know me at all, it makes me feel so much like an object.  Sigh. Self?  Remember this. Remember this. It's quite disturbing to realize that you are the object of a stranger's lustful imaginings. Not flattering in the least. There is a vast difference in attraction and lascivious looks. . I seem to be going about normal life backwards.  Now that the kids will be staying permanently, both my grandmother and my kids are giving me advice.  I told them they could pray.  It's a bit backwards from the usual way of things. .

Today I got serenaded by some random guy at the kidwishes place.  I stepped outside to make a phone call and he was sitting there in his car with the country music blaring...girl you make me want to roll my window down and cruise.   Next thing I know he's singing at me.  Oy.