Redacted

I bit my friend's hand in my dream this morning. Shrug. No clue. . Both of my kids had terrors tonight. They were afraid of being alone so I sang in the hallway while they took turns getting showered. They both cried missing their mom and hugged tight for a long time. . I feel sorry for them. One day they will regret not being parents to their own kids. I pray for them. . It's not going to end pretty.  15 days. . I have class in the morning. It starts at 8. It's about thirty minutes away. I'm going to be late. . The school nurse checked my kid's eyes. She sent home a double fail notice.  Sigh. Now I just have to figure out if he actually can't see or if he was too stressed to read letters. Or maybe he has dyslexia. I wish I could read his mind. . Fear isn't real.  It only exists in our minds when we think about what could potentially happen in the future. Ground yourself in the present, in the here and now. - Thoughts from the After Earth movie. . Did you as...

Honest feelings tonight. My emotions are a bit raw lately, and at the same time somewhat numb with frustration at trying to make decisions that make me second guess everything. It's overwhelming. Nobody should ever have to prepare a child for the possibility that they may never get to go home to live again. . Honesty. That would be nice.  . I feel sorry for these parents. They need Jesus. .

Being good at something doesn't always make it worth your time and energy. . If you are often miserable doing something that is good, does it necessarily mean it is not your calling? . If I weren't tired would my mind not explode? . These are the deep questions. . One of my kids threatened to run away to their mom in the middle of the night.  Sigh.  Oh yippee.

The hackles of the wolf rise at the glint of blonde. Eyes narrow, the beast rises. The hunt is on.

How could I forget how warm and heavenly flannel sheets are?

Please ignore this. It will at least let me feel like I agreed you could be rude to me. . I hate being ignored. In my opinion it is close to the height of rudeness because it is like saying the other person isn't worth acknowledging.  At least grunt when someone talks to you. . I know. We all have done it. We've all ignored someone before. True. . I'm hoping I'm learning to be better. . It hurts to be thought unworthy. . I guess if I didn't care what they thought it wouldn't bother me so much.  Hmmm. Well that stinks. . Need to remember to keep my focus on things above and not below.

Today an old man complimented my pale white skin.

I have started answering my own questions ahead of time.

Not going to say that blonde's have more fun, but it's been a long time since I've been propositioned or had a driver pace me trying to get my attention.  Hmm. Saturday's hair appointment may have provided some interesting adventures ahead. :D

Have you been to a Barnes & Noble lately? Mine looks like a Nook UFO landed in the middle of the store. Pretty crazy considering they are stopping making them.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aapyCgrLP8M&feature=youtube_gdata_player

The conversation went something like this. "Where's your ring?" "Huh?" "Where's the ring on your finger?" "I don't have one of those." "Why not? I'd put a ring on it right now." "Well that's nice of you. You don't even know my name." "Haven't you ever heard of love at first sight?" "Yes. I don't believe in it." "You don't?  Well I do now.  I don't mean to be disrespectful or..." "I know. I know you're just teasing or whatever." "...I seriously don't understand it. I see all of these ladies coming in here without a ring on and it blows my mind. Let me take you to dinner." "No. Thank you that's nice of you, but no." "Why not?" "I think I'm technically old enough to be your mother." "How old do you think I am?" "20" "I'm 26." (Obviously lying) "You're ol...

How can I be so torn between praying for someone to succeed and yet selfishly wanting them to fail at the same time? Two very good reasons, and they are mine.

Sometimes I forget how fragile your heart is, how thin and shivering the thread of hope reaching out from it can seem. Embrace this moment, cup it in your hands like a butterfly warmed by the sun, and love it for the experience it brings.  You are loved. You are wanted. Breathe and spread your wings.

Knowing the answer but still doubting it anyway. Fear of failing. Fear of rejection. Selfishness or logic, your choice, fighting against faith. Solid knowledge so deep that you don't question it even if you question all about it. . If ever I had given hope, I would wish it more tenfold. . My sister says I think too much. Maybe that's my problem. Either that or I don't think enough. . When a joke is fun While the tease might Make You hope, When the end of it Brings a dearth of it makes you sad, Empty, Alone All hollow feeling Nothing But doing for them a poem Will Make Up for the Restlessness Or Waiting Bar that Until they see you again You suppose. . Whimsical. . I miss straight expression talking to the face of it.

Is today almost through?  My brain aches from working hard today.

I even depress myself with those posts tonight.  Like "maybe she's clinical". Lol. Honestly only posting old random creative journal notes because a friend requested reading material. . I'm really happy tonight actually. It's been a good day. GOD answered lots of prayers today. Tax season is almost over. My coworkers amuse me. I have chocolate chip caramel cookies and hot tea. . Today, in response to the notice that a meeting was canceled, I sent a text to the entire board that said "sob!" Lol. I immediately sent a follow up text explaining that I was "crying and not cursing!" :D

Oh God, my chest feels hollow These smiles fake To hide enough Actions Like bandaids on my soul when I hurt this much.

Empty hollow aching in my chest. He hesitates waiting to see if I too will condemn him.

"Christ is love embodied and no matter where we are, He and His body are Home." - Ann Voskamp

I should have started practicing a week ago. My throat hurts tonight. . I'm afraid of not being enough. . My kids were good today for the most part.  They helped clean house even if they didn't want to do anything chore related. . They watched the Spielberg movie "Monster House" with me. It was odd. And creepy. Bizarre even. . Tomorrow is "Jack the Huge Killer", better known as "Jack the Giant Slayer".   One kid can't decide if Jack is a giant person killer or a giant person who kills.  The other is afraid of seeing people squished by the giant.  Watching should be interesting...I'm hoping it isn't inappropriate. . We ran into the counselor at the restaurant today. His kid apparently spit on and kicked mine. Hmmm .

Tonight one of my kids said they wanted to be adopted by me forever.  . I've been purposefully sharing what that means ever since I went to the adoption fundraiser the other night.  . We also recently met or saw some people who had adopted. . The youngest picked a reading book about the Orphan Trains this week.  We read it together this evening and then talked about how they were almost like Orphans right now.  That's when the comment came out. It was serious.  Not joking. . I feel for them. . It's hard not to say anything.