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The only words that keep repeatedly showing up in big marquee lettering in my head all evening?  "Say something, I'm giving up on you." Nice. It's like it's twitching and replaying on a loop on the backside of my left eyeball.  Which amazingly enough is the side looking at you. . The back alley dark while the movie reel stuttering on the big screen throws the scene of some noir film while the music plays crooked lyrics at me.

Hail. Never met dear fellow. I pity you for the job you find.  Sleep well.

Lead balloons know better than to fly. . Wednesday night leaves me feeling ill inside.

http://www.johnortberg.com/one-flourishing-life/ I miss that guy too,” I told her. “I’d love to feel free like that. But I feel like I’m carrying so many burdens. I have personnel issues and financial challenges at work. I have writing projects and travel commitments. I feel like I’m carrying this weight all the time. I get what you’re saying, but I need you to know, I’m doing the best I can.” “No, you’re not,” she responded immediately. That was not the response I had anticipated. Everybody is supposed to nod their head sympathetically when you say, “I’m doing the best I can.” But Nancy loves truth (and me) too much to do that. So she rang my bell. “No, you’re not . You’ve talked about how it would be good to see a counselor, or an executive coach, or maybe a spiritual director. You’ve talked about building friendships, but I haven’t seen you take steps toward any of that. No, you’re not.” As soon as she said that I knew she was right

Too many tells. Not enough insight.

Yesterday we went to the library sale at the fairgrounds. "My" kids picked out a wide assortment of books.  A couple of their friends were there browsing and picking out books like "Encyclopedia Brown", even reading some before they left the sale...   One of "My" kids' favorite books is shown above.  It's a child's counting board book.  It was likely published for children under the age of five.  It is designed to teach the correlation between numbers and actual quantities.    This morning on the way to church they were reading and exclaiming how "cool" it was and counting each page out-loud in unison.  They were astounded that each picture contained the exact quantity of candy pieces to match the number it shaped.  When I explained that it was made on purpose that way, one asked "Why?"  I asked if it would make sense if the number was 12 but it was made up of 17 candies?  They replied "no."   ...

What a difference a day makes, or a week. I am thankful God lets me have the time that I need.

Ever had someone say in a whole room of people that they told someone not to come to the ministry you are leading because they would not like it? I have.  Several times. This one hurt worse because of how and who. I'm still trying to forgive. Maybe I'm small. Maybe I am. But it makes me feel angry and bitter and frustrated and angry and hateful and all of those unholy things. Sigh. And that's mean and small and pitiful.  In more than one way. . I'm glad God understands.

Still so confused.

When you know so few people, the tendency is to think you are special and unique in both your suffering and in triumphs. Your joys and embarrassments all to the extreme. And you are better, yes better, than the rest of us.   I wish you well in your aloneness. May the horizons of your world never let you down. And may the mundane thoughts that fill our silly lives and empty heads never be compared to your greatness.  Founder on. Founder on.

I know these things exist. I just saw them two weeks ago. Now if I could remember exactly where and when.

So it's Valentines Day and a full moon. I feel like there should be something witty to be said there, but my brain thinks I should stop trying. . Most people have some kind of thought about this day. I as well. I'm looking forward to spending it with my kids.  We are having family fun night and I don't have to work too hard at being fascinating. Score one for being me. . I always feel a tiny bit guilty during this week because it once again marks the anniversary of the day I ended things with an old friend. Bad timing on my part but it turned out to be extremely freeing. . Wishing I had watched more of the Olympics this week. . I wonder if this will ever change

It is so easy to want to give up. I am thankful for the two people who went out of their way to encourage me yesterday and today. My heart still feels like it is ripped out of my chest. My eyes water easily. . Holding your breath to compress the sob inside makes one solid cry. . I hate this part. But I will be an adult about things. . Trying isn't everything. . I'm not happy. Maybe. I think I've lost something. It's hard to tell because I can't think straight for the life of me unless it's work or I'm angry. Not a good idea on any day.

All. The. Things. Isn't so bad really. Is it?

Honest feedback to one's face is likely one of the hardest things ever to obtain.

I desperately want a sugar cookie! I don't want the hassle of brushing my teeth again right now. Choices. Choices. . It's the not knowing that kills me and strains my emotions and my brain. A simple yes or no would work, But that's not how this works apparently. . The neighbor's heat pump fan sounds like a dying whale or dinosaur sound effect when it slows down.

All is not as it seems.

Looking forward to singing in the morning. One of my Favorite songs.